Monday, April 24, 2006


Well, the two oldest kids are back at school today, I'm back to moping round the house thinking I should clean, do the ironing, wash up etc, but instead just picking up the occasional apple core thats been thrown ito the corner by one of the kids, watching Trisha and surfing the net. The baby is doing the usual hunting around for stuff to pull out onto the floor.
I went to see Hayseed Dixie on Friday, which was good. I was driving, so couldn't get tanked up on beer like a member of a rock hillbilly group audience should. It was still great though, they are my favourite band :)

God, I am bored shitless and too damn lazy/depressed to do anything about it. So much to do, so little willpower/drive/energy.


Thursday, April 20, 2006

Fukin Furious!

Ok, Neil, my ex, wouldn't walk home with Callum, our son, cos his pants hadn't been ironed!!!!

For fucks sake!!! If he loves him/us, he'd be proud escorting us if we were dressed in binbags! Tosser!

These part time dads havn't got a clue. I have 3 kids to look after on my own, the dads have the freedom to do whatever the fuck they want, and two of them STILL whinge at me, criticise me, while they swan about, contributing nothing at all to their kids upbringing, the third dad has a girlfriend now, so although he's the only one to bother trying to give some money, his time seems used up for things he'd rather do it seems.

I know, at the end of the day, that whatever I want to do, My time is at my kids disposal. They rule my life. I am their safety net. God knows everyone else puts their own life, be it work, girlfriends, poker, sleep, first. I have no choice, the buck stops with me.

And I'm angry. Have been for a long time. Cos I have things I want to do, I want to work, I want to write, I want to draw, and I get this shit off these fuking losers who can't face up to the responsibility of their kids, and leave me to catch it all-while they whinge about how hard done by they are and moan while they lie around doing shite all, knowing that I will ALWAYS be there to pick up the fucking pieces.
How could I not be.
Its my duty. Shame they all don't give a fuck about their duty. The cleaning will always get done by the person who can't stand the mess most.
Thats me.
Wont walk home with his son cos he has a couple of creases in his pants!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I'm keeping your poop

Mind u, that song may be a fave, but THIS one, sung by the Hillbilly rock cover band (banjos and violins etc!) ROCKGRASS, is a great find!!! U GOT to listen to this one!!!! (and this one is not a cover, it's a Hayseed Dixie original!)

(lyrics only, as don't know how to post the song itself- but its easy to find!!! I downloaded it off limewire)

Keeping your poop (Hayseed Dixie)

I'm Keeping your poop in a jar
'til the day you come back
So I don't forget just what you are,
I'm keeping your poop in a jar

You thought u took everything
But you left something behind for me
I scooped it out,
I bottled it up
And now its there to stand by the bed to remind me
In case I ever forget
You're just a piece of

Let me testify,
I had a moment of weakness once,
So I opened the jar for a smell
It all came back to me then
In one vapourous rush
I remembered you well!
You're just a piece of

I'm keeping your poop in a jar
Til the day you come back to me
So I don't forget just what you are,
I'm keeping your poop in a jar
Oh yeh
I'm keeping your poop, in a jar!

It sure beats 'I will survive' LOL!!

I'm going to see Hayseed Dixie live on Friday, will be my second time seeing them live. I'm not one to be a 'fan' of anything really, but these guys kick ass big time! I'd be happy to call myself a Hayseed Dixie FAN! (all that beer they drink and they are still the fastest fingers in the known world on those banjos etc! Fantastic!)

Tori Amos' version

Actually, The Tori Amos version is pretty cool,
maybe not as nice,
But still effects me big time. I like the way she sings it as well, but then, I've always liked Tori when she's not singing shite!

I dunno though, a case of any wine, sweet, holy or otherwise, would probably floor me.

And instead of 'devils and deeds' I always heard 'devils and demons'

We all hear what we want to in music, and lyrics sometimes.

A case of You

One of my most favourite songs. I like a bit of country. I have it on my computer now, but don't know how to put it up as a link (properties is empty)

Its a fantastic country song though, here's the lyrics. Look it up to listen if u can.

A case of you (Joni Mitchell)

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Where’s that at?
If you want me
I’ll be in the bar
On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light
I drew a map of canada
Oh canada
And your face sketched on it twice
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I’d still be on my feet
Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
And still be on my feet
I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed
Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
I’d still be on my feet

I wasn't overly surprised when I downloaded it to see that Tori Amos has done a cover, although I don't think anyone could do it as well as Joni, she's great!

Friday, April 14, 2006


Dr Johnie, is there a way I can get rid of that horrid puce green colour my titles show up in??? :)


Creative title eh ;)

Well, today I am staying in, trying to not spend any more money, cos I spent more than I could afford yesterday.
Yesterday I went to my mums house (for the first time in a long time) to see if what I could do to get back on track clearing the place up. It's been nearly a year since mum agreed to the plan of me and the kids moving in there as a desperately needed glimmer of hope for my debt and housing situation. I spent many hours back then with the baby in her carseat mucking out the place. It was hard work, and not pleasent, cleaning up literally the shit of cats and the mess of others, but it gave me hope so I did it. The task is momentous.
Other things then got in the way to prevent the plan of me moving there from happening. Far from progressing with the clear-out, even what I had already done was getting messed up again.
The last few months have been very very dismal for me, my last shred of hope, of a plan, a way forward, that I could see taken away.
Even now, the job seems impossible, alone. I have 3 kids to look after, the baby now far to mobile to take into the house with me. I'm never without at least one of my kids these days, and that house is in such a state it is very dangerous for children to be there. Life isn't getting any better, the debt isn't getting any less. I can't afford to work. I need the pressure taken off by moving to mums, each day I'm not has made things worse.
Yesterday I managed to get some of the work that had been un-done done again. It's very frustrating though, sitting here wishing I could do something about the state my life's in but feeling totally helpless. No idea when I can next get a chance to make another small step forwards.
I've been in deep water for a while. Treading water, waiting and hoping for the life-boat to show up, while part of me knows I need to take action and swim for shore myself. Problem is, I can't see the coastline, and if I try and swim my energy will be spent and I could well be going in the wrong direction anyway.

Hmm, don't always know where my blog posts are going to go, maybe I should write the title AFTER writing the post!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Johnnie is cool :)

YAY :)
Success! I've checked it out and both links work. And I feel dead clever for doing it heehee! That means Johnie's instructions must have been absolutely spot on, and its cool cos I could see why it worked too :)
Learnt more through this than doing the first two modules of the National learning colleges computer course! :P
A reason to feel good today, I've achieved something :) (thanks J!)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'll build me a hidey-hole where I'll never Find Me

I've not told anyone I know in 'real life' about this place yet. So likely only Jonny and perhaps by proxy hurty knows about it. I havn't told anyone else cos this is still a place for me to be me, without any second thoughts for anyone who may read it.
Tonight I said some things that needed to be said out loud (in a bubble of inevitability with my 'partner'). In real life, I often evade those situations, which likely makes it all the more puzzling and infuriating to those I know when I DO speak out. I like peace, and quiet, and hate to feel my weaknesses.
Its good, in a way that this place IS mine, and those who read it are so far from me, they can be closer than I'd let my day to day friends (for fear of losing their respect, when I've lost so much respect for myself-having known me relentlessly all these years!)
But it's also disturbing, that I STILL feel that I can't show someone I 'love' the whole of me.
I'm a fuking mess.
But I still think I'm worth loving.
I just wouldn't trust me, unless you are the 'one', and it all fits. I'm bad fuking news. I need time alone to work out what the fuck I/ME/TIA/NATHALIA is really capable of as a person. Hopefully in a positive way.
Should stop drinking though.
Lately I'd choose drinking over people. Not a good sign I expect.
Another part crumbles, but I know I have some pollyfiller stashed away somewhere!!!!!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Falling Apart

My teeth have always been pretty strong. They survived the usual months of not brushing them as a child, I've never needed a filling. I had braces fitted when I was a teenager (not pleasent, but also not permanant!), and my teeth STILL survived the neglect to go back to the dental hospital to have some wires removed for a couple of years past when they SHOULD have been taken off. My dentist usually says 'you arn't going to need any work for a long time yet'. I've had 3 pregnancies, still not lost an adult tooth, or needed any repairs. . .
I chipped my front tooth once, I was drinking beer out of a bottle, and a friend nudged me, the bottle chipped my front tooth, put me in shock! Stupid but it did! I'm very ATTACHED to my teeth!
The past year, the other front tooth got chipped, not a straight forward accident like the other one, it just crumbled. Didn't hurt, hardly noticeable, I expect only I realised, I've dreamt it many times. All my teeth crumbling away, falling out, I wake and they are all still there, but slowely, almost unperceptavely, they really ARE starting to crumble.
The roughness gives it away. The newly exposed enamal isn't as smooth as the rest of the tooth. I feel no pain, but I know something has fallen away.
Yesterday I felt an uneven part on my tooth, bottom left, inside, 5th from the back, a pointy-ish tooth. I thought maybe some plaque had managed to build up, these days I brush at least once a day, usually. . . unless I forget the time, the day - that happens more and more lately too.
I scraped the uneven surface with my nail, and something fell away. Like a chipped mug. It was definitely tooth. It still doesn't hurt.
As the days go by, the numbness is maybe the most worrying. To know what is happening, but to not FEEL it, just the roughness left where something else has fallen away.
And I'm obsessed now with running my tongue along that rough surface, until that becomes smooth, and no doubt something else will crumble.