Thursday, October 19, 2006

My new friend

Have spent many hours video messaging with this lovely young man. This video just cracks me up! 'I like to touch my Friends!!!!'

evolution of video

(link has been fixed-he took the video down and moved it because of swearing or something)

He gets very very drunk on red wine and makes videos. They are a bit hit and miss, but This one HIT me big time! :-)


Oh well, back to the mundane-ness of my usual mood! I've got to get the house cleaned up for a house inspection by the landlord in a few weeks. Unfortunately as I have been putting every difficult job/boring job off for so long and just getting on with the essential keeping the kids and myself alive stuff-the house really is in a mess. The carpets are filthy, the walls are even dirty from kids wiping their hands along them when they go upstairs. Everywhere I look I see mess (plus everywhere looks tatty and needs decorating!) I impulsively went and bought stuff to re-decorate the front room, but it's taken me days to prepare the wall and hang the wall paper (and paint the wood) and I couldn't afford it anyway-and now the worst bit is the carpet, that is soaked in soot that came out the chimney when bird got stuck up there a while ago. Everywhere I look is filth! And it's all so overwhelming :(
I keep avoiding the immensity of it by going on the internet/doing anything other than just get on with the work, which is not good.
I'm pretty certain that I have depression, but I don't trust the doctors, and I'm pretty certain I am an alcoholic, but maybe I just drink too much to escape the depression (yes, I know that doesn't work)
Bit of a pathetic string of excuses and complaints I have going on here! I should just DO something about it, why the hell is that so hard? I'm so annoyed with myself!

Monday, October 09, 2006


My morning was a bit strange and reflective today. I happened to have to go to the street in which I lived between the ages of about 1 and 15, it's been a long time since I was back there.
The first strange thing was remembering lots of anxiety dreams I've had since I started driving about turning into the road I used to live in. It's a one-way street, and the way you have to turn into it is on an awkward 'blind' corner. I've had many dreams about going back there and being lost, or about worrying about missing the turning and ending up somewhere else instead. All this came flooding back to me as I drove closer. I made the turn fine, and then felt my senses hit by a tsunami of memories. I stopped outside the clinic (I was there to drop a prescription off for my mum), and then I felt like I just couldn't leave. I had Faith in the car, so I decided to take her for a walk in the park at the end of the street (Princes park). That park was more drenched in flashbacks and memories than I expected. As I walked through it more and more things came rushing back to me. The fountain reminded me of the first time I ever sagged off school with my mate, it had been pouring down but we couldn't go anywhere dry because we were meant to be in school (I guess we should have just gone to school, lol!) I remembered the stuff we used to do to pass the time, such as re-enacting scenes from Dirty Dancing (come to think of it, we walked through that park to get to the video shop were me and my mates hired that video out every day until it got dropped in a puddle and mum had to buy the tape!I still have it!). My memories of the park went even further, my dad tought me to ride a bike there, my mum used to take us for picnics there when we were all very little and before my brother became a drug addict and I became a stroppy teenager. Then I remembered that I thought there used to be a little memorial stone for a donkey there somewhere, I didn't go looking for it, but I want to return one day and hunt out all those little things with my camera. The park is surrounded by places that were central to my childhood. Some of the old buildings of my secondary school were by one set of gates, and thats also right next door to the flat my dad lived in for the first few months after my parents divorced. Next to another gate is the house that some family friends lived in, where I got my nose broken, and spent many many hours (that place takes me further down memory lane to a crush on one of the boys, lasagne, getting cought shoplifting, dogs, parties in a huge garden, it just goes on and on), opposite that house was the flat were I first lived with a boyfriend (Colin)-even more memories too many to go into, but for me, everything was flooding my senses, I could feel/hear/smell my past in that park.
I had a dream one day, when I was a teenager (about 15?), I dreampt that I was a part of that park, I was a part of the trees, the grass, the GREENESS, and when I woke (this part is real, not a dream!), I went out, bought green clothes, bleached my hair and died that green, and then I went and sat underneath a tree in that park and felt connected. I think some people thought I was mad, but every now and then I get that feeling of being a part of the life force in nature, and it feels so good, so spiritual.
I don't think I'll dye my hair green again, but I will return in some ways. I want my children to have strong memories of childhood too, so often it is too easy for me to remember my childhood by the bad landmarks. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the amazingly good feelings too.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

My Youtube Vlog

I just uploaded the introduction to my new 'vlog' as I believe they are called, on Youtube. I've recently got so addicted to youtube that I thought I may as well join in! Go have a look if you want to see me singing, and talking (and you can even see my pussy if you look carefully! He jumps onto the TV behind me haha!)
My camera's not the best quality, and my lighting is pretty bad, but it's a start!


or if that isn't working (dunno why but sometimes it says it's not available) try this?

video comments