Today
Creative title eh ;)
Well, today I am staying in, trying to not spend any more money, cos I spent more than I could afford yesterday.
Yesterday I went to my mums house (for the first time in a long time) to see if what I could do to get back on track clearing the place up. It's been nearly a year since mum agreed to the plan of me and the kids moving in there as a desperately needed glimmer of hope for my debt and housing situation. I spent many hours back then with the baby in her carseat mucking out the place. It was hard work, and not pleasent, cleaning up literally the shit of cats and the mess of others, but it gave me hope so I did it. The task is momentous.
Other things then got in the way to prevent the plan of me moving there from happening. Far from progressing with the clear-out, even what I had already done was getting messed up again.
The last few months have been very very dismal for me, my last shred of hope, of a plan, a way forward, that I could see taken away.
Even now, the job seems impossible, alone. I have 3 kids to look after, the baby now far to mobile to take into the house with me. I'm never without at least one of my kids these days, and that house is in such a state it is very dangerous for children to be there. Life isn't getting any better, the debt isn't getting any less. I can't afford to work. I need the pressure taken off by moving to mums, each day I'm not has made things worse.
Yesterday I managed to get some of the work that had been un-done done again. It's very frustrating though, sitting here wishing I could do something about the state my life's in but feeling totally helpless. No idea when I can next get a chance to make another small step forwards.
I've been in deep water for a while. Treading water, waiting and hoping for the life-boat to show up, while part of me knows I need to take action and swim for shore myself. Problem is, I can't see the coastline, and if I try and swim my energy will be spent and I could well be going in the wrong direction anyway.
Hmm, don't always know where my blog posts are going to go, maybe I should write the title AFTER writing the post!
Well, today I am staying in, trying to not spend any more money, cos I spent more than I could afford yesterday.
Yesterday I went to my mums house (for the first time in a long time) to see if what I could do to get back on track clearing the place up. It's been nearly a year since mum agreed to the plan of me and the kids moving in there as a desperately needed glimmer of hope for my debt and housing situation. I spent many hours back then with the baby in her carseat mucking out the place. It was hard work, and not pleasent, cleaning up literally the shit of cats and the mess of others, but it gave me hope so I did it. The task is momentous.
Other things then got in the way to prevent the plan of me moving there from happening. Far from progressing with the clear-out, even what I had already done was getting messed up again.
The last few months have been very very dismal for me, my last shred of hope, of a plan, a way forward, that I could see taken away.
Even now, the job seems impossible, alone. I have 3 kids to look after, the baby now far to mobile to take into the house with me. I'm never without at least one of my kids these days, and that house is in such a state it is very dangerous for children to be there. Life isn't getting any better, the debt isn't getting any less. I can't afford to work. I need the pressure taken off by moving to mums, each day I'm not has made things worse.
Yesterday I managed to get some of the work that had been un-done done again. It's very frustrating though, sitting here wishing I could do something about the state my life's in but feeling totally helpless. No idea when I can next get a chance to make another small step forwards.
I've been in deep water for a while. Treading water, waiting and hoping for the life-boat to show up, while part of me knows I need to take action and swim for shore myself. Problem is, I can't see the coastline, and if I try and swim my energy will be spent and I could well be going in the wrong direction anyway.
Hmm, don't always know where my blog posts are going to go, maybe I should write the title AFTER writing the post!
posted by samsarajade at 4:44 AM
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