samsarajade

Poem from A Place in My Past

2010-02-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

I want to make decisions from my heart
Interact as purely myself
Not anticipation of how others want me to be.
I crave to be free.

Who am I now, caged in your need?
Afraid of winning or losing.
Letting time swim around me as I wait,
Trying not to hate.

I found a side of you I want to love,
Cherish and Heal.
But now I fear I'm stuck in a transfusion,
If I pull away, you fight for your life
You pull me right back
Destroy me in your quest to Love me
And be loved By me.

My love may not be what you wanted
Or expect of love.
It's not love you demand of me,
It's someone else.

One day, you will accept or shun me.
Either way it comes with venom.
Do you want love built on lies?
Passion built from restraining ties?

(written 2005)

Meeting Myself

2008-08-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

I used to visit this spot whenever my parents were arguing when I was younger. It was my escape, my secret den. I would sit among the overgrown grass, hidden from the world, and think about things. My gaze would rest on an old mini car that lay half immersed in the murky water and ancient litter in the ditch below. I would wonder how it got there, since there were no roads anywhere near this place, and my young imagination would create a history of adventure and mystery for the metal corpse that had found its final resting ground in such an out of way spot. Every now and then a train would roar past me on the bridge and I would turn my imagination to the future and picture all the places I could go when I was old enough to leave.
When that time had come instead of taking a train out of here I had stayed to get married. The next ten years have taken me no further than a honeymoon in Scotland and three caravan holidays in North Wales. My house here in Liverpool is only a few streets away from where my mother still lives.

As I approached my favourite spot, unvisited but not forgotten for at least 15 years, it gave me quite a shock to see the figure of a person in my place. For a moment I felt like I had gone back in time and was spying on myself as a child. As my mind processed the information, I realised it was not the huddled shoulders and tilted head of a child, but of a grown woman. I wanted to turn and run, but she had already heard me and was turning her head towards me.

'Hi', she called.

I was too stunned to answer.

'It's ok, I don't bite,' she added with a smile.

I knew I was being childish and stupid to think I was the only person ever to go here, and so I forced myself to speak. 'I just didn't expect to see anyone here, it's pretty hard to get to.'

'You're telling me! I'm sure that fence used to be easier to climb. Mind you, I didn't wear high heels and pencil skirts when I was younger.' she laughed, 'I found this place when I was playing hide and seek as a child. I grew up just on the other side of the railway.'

'Oh really? Me too. So what brings you here then?'

'A kind of visit to my old haunts. A nostalgia thing I suppose. I haven't been back to the old place in eleven years!'

'What, right here?'

'The whole city! I went straight off back-packing around Europe after finishing my degree in Leeds. I kind of got sidetracked and never came back.'

I noticed a black box nestled in the grass beside the woman and wondered what it was. It could have been her handbag, but it didn't look right, and besides, she had a fairly big rucksack to the other side of her.

'It's a camera', she said following my gaze, 'I brought it along because I thought a photograph of that old car would look good in my next exhibition. But now I think I'd rather leave it alone.'

'Is that what you do then? Photography?'

'Yep! I make more money on the commercial stuff really. Arty photos may say a thousand words, but I get paid better for an exclusive shot of Madonna on holiday.'

I contemplated the glamour of a life spent capturing art and chasing celebrities.
'I wish I had got to do something more exciting. Gone travelling or learnt how to paint or something. It must be great to have been everywhere and seen everything. It looks so sad and deserted, doesn't it? That little car sitting useless and abandoned in the mud.'

'I don't see it like that. That car gave me the inspiration to follow a career in photography. The way the blue paint contrasts with the mud, how it looks so out of place and yet belongs here and nowhere else. Even as a child the scene fascinated me, and it definitely influenced the themes I've chosen to follow in my work. The arty stuff that is, not the celebrity chasing. Although even that has it's reflections here. The commercial sinking into the mud of reality and all that.'

'So why not take the photo then?'

'I suppose some things are best kept secret. I could go for the perfect angle, frame the picture to catch the perfect mood, but I still couldn't get it right. This place belongs in my memory, not on an art gallery wall. I need it here, untouched, so that I can still move on.'

I sat down a couple of yards from her, and for a time we both stared in silence at the rusting vehicle, still here after all these years. I watched the movement of the water nudge the metal with debris, crisp packets and twigs. The car remained still. The distant roar of a train began to creep nearer, and as it thundered overhead my eyes met the glance of the other woman and we both smiled. As the noise subsided, she began to pack up her things and then stood up.

'No rest for the wicked!' she said, 'I have lunch with a newspaper editor.'

'It was nice meeting you', I replied,'my name's Nathalia by the way.'

We shook hands.

'Mine's Tia. Maybe we'll bump into each other here again in another ten years!'

'Maybe.' I laughed and watched her fight her way back into the undergrowth.

I turned back to the little car and thought up a story of how the car was mysteriously placed there, like the pyramids, or stonehenge, by an ancient civilisation.

I would go home later and cook the dinner.

Lennon Tribute

2007-12-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

Halloween!

2007-11-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

First, a brilliant entertaining parody of The Shining' from John Reagan, with a YouTube twist to it!

And my own Halloween

so difficult

2007-05-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

So many times today I thought of you
I wanted to show you what was happening
What I saw,
What I do.
But I promised I wouldn't call.
I wont call.
The hardest thing I've ever NOT DONE!
To see your name,
the lyrics you choose.
To know I wont respond, not yet
My body/soul/mind is
SCREAMING
hold hold hold
A phone
a few numbers
But you would have the strength to not pick up.
I know
And I must be stronger than you right now.
So you will know
I can
I will love you.
I do
I do love you
FFS this is driving me crazy, I just want to hear your fucking voice!
CALL ME!!!!!!

Moving On!

2007-05-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I move house today, leaving here to move back in with my mum. Going to be a lot of hard work but hopefully will turn out well in the end. Not sure how soon I will be able to get back on line properly. At the moment I don't even have a bedroom of my own, let alone somewhere to set up my computer, but I'll be working on it and should at least be able to get on line from my mums computer now and then (although I really need to dedicate some time to sorting out the rooms etc so I CAN have a bedroom!)
See some of you Mojo people in Birmingham on Saturday-I will post about that when I get back and get access to my computer!
And to the person I love (you know who you are, and you don't even read this so I'm mad talking to myself lol) wild horses wont stop me from speaking to you everyday! x

Back soon!
And for anyone who hasn't seen my latest vid-the first collaboration I have done on my channel, the video child of me and johnreagan, here is 'Moving On. . . FAST!) guest starring Johnreagans really cool friend, Vito :)

Your Voice

2007-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Rips the membrane of my heart,
Soothes the discord in my soul,
Invades the world I hide,
Reaches parts that I withhold.
Your Voice
Touches Me,
I feel the caress progress
Slowly up my thigh,
I feel you penetrate
My defences,
One touch that makes me laugh or cry.
I'll hold your gaze.
You see?
Look closer,
Feel Me.

M

2007-05-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Bare feet treading slowly,
Firmly in the embers.
Why do the soles not burn?
Where am I now?
Which way is up?
My senses refuse to corroberate,
Will illusion fade to reveal
The real?
The Tangeble?
I reach out, naked and vulnerable,
I beseech you to take my hand,
Complete the bridge of faith.
Find solid ground together,
not struggle through this maze alone.
I feel you near.

Lip-Synch Greatness!

2007-04-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Lip-sync videos from my 2 youtube accounts (entries into a youtube competition)

Apologies to my fellow bloggers

2007-04-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

On returning to post that last video, that is a nice tribute to the new friends I have found on a forum, I felt the tinge of guilt that has been brewing up inside for a while. That is for the neglect that I have shown to my blogging community! I have got so caught up in watching and making videos, that the few posts I have popped back here are mainly links to that other side of my on-line life. I suppose it's the old excuse of well, what's the point in telling people whats going on with me several times over, if I can just show them! BUT in getting so caught up in the video community, it has been a while since I checked on other peoples blogs as well! If there is a way to 'subscribe' to blogs where you get an email when your fave bloggers make a post, that would be wonderful. If such a thing is possible will someone tell me how you do that?
Also, I know not everyone can watch videos easily, if they are on dial-up etc. So although I don't pretend to have people who will miss my posts here, this is really a place for me to just talk when I felt like talking, I still want anyone who bothers to read to know that I appreciate their interest whether they watch my videos or not!
That said, I think I think I'll post my latest lip-sync videos in my next topic! 3 posts in one day, crikey!

My latest hangout

2007-04-09T16:46:00.001-07:00

Please Help Me!

2007-03-24T04:58:00.001-07:00

All you need is a youtube account, and a heart! ;)

A woman left lonely

2007-03-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

A tribute video made for me by johnreagannumber1.

I'm curious about what kind of impression this gives of me. If anyone sees this-tell me what you think. The music, the clips, the lyrics.

For Sale

2007-03-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

Just had a knock on the door, a for sale sign is being attached to my home. Would maybe have been nice/courtious/ whatever if the landlord had informed me of his intentions.
I think sometimes I am tuned into things like this-been having nightmares within the main message has been LEAVE THIS HOUSE a week after, a valuation, now this-still no notification whatsoever from the landlord. Well, even without a proper rental agreement I have squatters rights. Fuck 'em! LMFAO! I may as well stop paying rent-let them have as much hassle as possible hahahaha! Fuckers!

:D

2007-02-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing like a couple of Aussie blokes singing for me to brighten my day! These guys are so funny :)

When We Dance

2007-02-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to put these lyrics somewhere I can go back to them :)

When We Dance lyrics (Sting)

If he loved you
Like I love you
I would walk away in shame
I'd move town
I'd change my name

When he watches you
When he counts to buy your soul
On your hand his golden rings
Like he owns a bird that sings

When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

The priest has said my soul's salvation
Is in the balance of the angels
And underneath the wheels of passion
I keep the faith in my fashion
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

I'm still in love with you
[I'm gonna find a place to live
Give you all I've got to give]
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

If I could break down these walls
And shout my name at heaven's gate
I'd take these hands
And I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate
Cathedrals are broken
Heaven's no longer above
And hellfire's a promise away
I'd still be saying
I'm still in love

He won't love you
Like I love you
He won't care for you this way
He'll mistreat you if you stay

Come and live with me
We'll have children of our own
I would love you more than life
If you'll come and be my wife
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings

I'm gonna love you more than life
If you will only be my wife
I'm gonna love you more than life
If you will only be my wife
I'm gonna love you night and day
I'm gonna try in every way

(I had a dream last night
I dreamt you were by my side
Walking with me baby
My heart was filled with pride
I had a dream last night)

Reconcilliation

2007-02-06T03:18:00.000-08:00

The next time you
Want to be
Level with me
Pull yourself up, boy,
Don't drag me down.

I've worked for the way
I can deal with this
Mess, and I can't
Let you crush me
By killing my strength.
I can't let you
Love me
If this is your love,
It feels more like
Hatred
To me.

The next time you
Want to get
Even with me
Try healing yourself
Not injuring me.

(1997)

Trailers

2007-01-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

I felt a tear drop falling
I'll swear I did
But when I touched my cheek
It wasn't wet.

I felt a sharpness crawling
Along my skin
I could not find a fresh cut
Only scars.

I feel the salt is drying
My skin is stretching tight
Erupted pain-
A mask that shows
All I tried to hide.

I felt a sudden tremor
In the Air
But I can only feel the echoes,
I no longer hear the scream.

Breadcrumbs

2007-01-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

Restless
In love, uncertainty
What to do but let the feelings rush and ramble seize the soul in love and pain and feel the moments writhe and struggle getting through the day

Tension
Ever present, tight
I must cope with strength and courage arrogance and confidence in all I Thought I knew Needs faith Stubborn Faith to carry me on through

The Night

moments crawl company or space Alcohol or cool clear Mind Both twisted in my hate I cannot break

Free

But I can always Make-Believe

Malvinator

2007-01-10T14:11:00.001-08:00

I can't get this song out of my head for the last day or so!

I don't want everything. . .

2007-01-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

Callum got some money for Christmas, and decided he wanted a new game for his console thingies. So yesterday he went and got a wrestling game for his playstation, when we tried it at home it wouldn't load up, so had lots of tantrums. Today I took it back to the shop with him, pointed out that he already had 3 wrestling games anyway-and he decided he would swap it for Animal Crossing on his DS, as he could link that game up with Nicoles and her mates. SO, we get that, walking home he says 'but can I still have the new wrestling one?' I pointed out for the umpteenth time that he only had enough money for one or the other, he'd chosen animal crossing, so he'd have to wait longer to save for the other one and I used the term 'You can't have Everything!'
To which he replied, 'I don't want EVERYTHING! I don't want Cheese!'

lol!

And his next sentence was 'Mum, can you do me cheese on toast when we get home?'

LMFAO! Oh the joys of kids! They are not annoying at all-as long as you've already resigned your self to the madness and remember to laugh!

fucking fuck!

2007-01-06T04:25:00.000-08:00

ok, great, new year and as usual everything decides to collapsa on me all at once. My own fault as usual. I need to send back insurance forms for my car, and havn't yet. I need to renew my housing benefit, and havn't yet. One of the companies I'm in debt to have decided to move on a step and send Bailiffs round-even though I have been paying the agreed reduced sum-so I have to phone them. And if they have decided to kick off again I bet the other companies will too. THEN this morning I get a letter telling me I have been accused of 'fly tipping' which probably refers to the fact that I put my bins out in the entry the day before the bin men come-and I don't have a wheelie bin to put them in because that got stolen years ago (about a month after the council issued them.) I'm told I need a solicitor at that meeting.
Great. All this on top of everything.
Nothing gets better, the shit just gets deeper and it seems there is no escape. I can't cope with my life at all. It's all fucked up, I have fucked it up really badly, and I don't see a way out.
yeh, feel shitty today.
So many things hanging over me.

I Love You, But it's All in My Head

2007-01-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

How many worlds spin on in our minds
While linear time plods on outside
Magic encounters a boundless realm
While exterior cynical reason sees life.

Half patterned thoughts dance in formless charm
While the eyes define what is real
Consciousness keeps up it's postmodern show
All that we touch, is not all we feel.

(1998)

Keep Going

2007-01-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

It's far too soon to be sure
So it's all down to trust
It's far too destructive to doubt
In this faithless world.
Maybe sometime after this life
There's a savior waiting for me
I once thought I had one before
But he just screwed me.

It's far too late to turn back
So I'd better go on
It's far too cold standing still
In this friendless storm.
Maybe somewhere over that hill
There's some courage waiting for me
I know exactly where I've been
That's what scares me.

(1999)

Tia's feeling aggressive

2007-01-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Might be a bit of weird stuff coming from me the next couple of days. Just letting stuff out. Not to worry. :)

Clones Christmas Special

2006-12-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

I got a part in a YouTube sitcom! See my terrible acting for yourselves ;) It's part of a series made by a youtuber called Smithysrat. If you watch til the end you'll see us all making fools of ourselves dancing to The Wombles ;)

Sorry I've not been around much, some major things going on, I'll let you know my new years resolution soon. (it's an important and long overdue one!)
I have a new camera, but I'm having a few problems getting the files from the camera into the right format. So if anyone knows a simple way to convert Mpeg/mpg to Avi, please do let me know!
And of course it's been the run up to Christmas-always mad busy!
I do have a 'things my daughter said today that made me laugh' post planned, and I will do that soon. :)

Deanos Rockumentary!

2006-11-29T03:10:00.000-08:00

The OC youtube drama!

2006-11-28T05:41:00.000-08:00

since starting on Youtube, I have had the good fun of participating in a dramatic series of events, involving love, denial, tarot cards, google fights, cat fights, international battles, unrequited love and revenge. Yeh, it's been fun! And someone has made a re-cap of the whole saga and put it in a video. I'm in it! Whoohoo! LOL!

Previously on The O.C. (Oh Caitlin!)

Who needs TV when we can make our own eh?
LOL!

Hayseed Dixie, Manchester and Deano!

2006-11-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks to some people getting the photos they took on the night I can now nick some for my blog! (typical scouser lol!)
Well, I had a great time! I was getting the train alone to Manchester and one of the Outhousers, Kipling, offered to meet me at the station and make sure I got to the gig OK, where I would be meeting up with some of the people I met at Ullapool. He was true to his word and met me along with his two mates, known to me now as Petal and Dodgy Bob, and we went to a pub for a couple of drinks before getting a taxi to the gig. They were all great company, although I got a little worried when Petal tried to set me on fire LOL! I even got invited to Dodgy Bob's Stag weekend! I told him that as I wasn't a stripper or a prostitute I had no business being on a stag night (as far as I know he didn't know about my reputation as a pole dancer ;) ).
We got to the gig just as Darkwater were playing their last song. Darkwater were the support band, I'd seen them at the Liverpool gig the week before and was very impressed, so after this gig I bought their EP, which they all signed for me, so I have a great souvenir of a great band that I think will go far :) You can find what they're about on their Myspace page DarkWater
Deano with the singer from Darkwater

I met a few new Outhousers as well as the people I'd already befriended, it was a bit strange people calling me Samsara in real life! When it was time for HayseedDixie to come on stage I went up front with Geordie and YorkshireBelle(Sharon)- see there I go using internet nicknames too! lol! Jill had handed YB some party poppers to set off when the guys mentioned the merchandise and Rachels birthday, but with only three of us setting them off I don't know if they got noticed! Fun was had with the ones that were left later anyway!
The gig was just fantastic, I danced my way all the way through and couldn't stop grinning and singing along. When they finished I found Jill and family at the back-still selling T-shirts and CDs and things. As I was staying with Jills daughter Lorna that night I had to make sure I didn't get seperated, they had backstage passes and I didn't, but luckily I was with the right people and didn't get thrown out!
It was decided afterwards to go to RockCity for a drink, in celebration of Rachels birthday (Rachel is DonWaynes girlfriend by the way) DonWayne, Deano and Rachelso we split into 2 taxis and made our way there. Then it was party time with Deano the 2-headed dinosaur! There are several different rooms in Rockworld, but we found one where the music was forcing us to stay as each new song was a classic that we all loved! So Lorna didn't get to give us the full tour in the end-maybe I'll try and get back there another time and spend the whole night there, it stays open til 6am I think!
After a while the whole band turned up to join us (minus Dale), I chatted with all of them at some point I think, and met Johns friend Rodney, who seemed lovely-I told him to visit Camden as he asked for advice on where to go in London, I did suggest he went with someone who knows the area though!
Deano was basically the star of the night. He's a close friend of Jonthehat in case anyone didn't know, and he's a lot of fun to headbang with!

Anyway, I've gone on ages here, it was just a fantastic night, I slept on Lornas floor-she was a great hostess, even though I criticised her having Lambrini in the room, having McFly on her wall, and Barney the evil purple dinosaur in her bed-she didn't throw me out, and she even provided me with an airbed and sleeping bag :)
What a night! Whoohoo!

Legacy

2006-11-23T05:18:00.000-08:00

This is Sadie Dammits video, I really want it to be featured because it moves me so much, I think EVERYONE should see it!
Please go to her video, rate it, comment on it, tell her what you think!
Legacy

A Day in My Life

2006-11-17T01:44:00.000-08:00

Made this video yesterday, see what exciting things I get up to in a day! lol!

A Day In My Life

I'm going to see Hayseed Dixie again tonight! In Manchester, I'll be crashing on a floor in the student halls, courtesy of Jill's daughter Lorna (Jill is a moderator on the Hayseed-Dixie forum, I met her and her husband at Loopallu, I've not met Lorna yet though!)

Also, the best most moving/haunting/something video on Youtube was uploaded by a woman called Sadiedammit yesterday. I subscribe to her videos, but never has her videos or anyone elses taken my breath away quite like this one! Please go look, rate, comment!

Legacy

The Mystic Traveller, I hope you read this because I bet you'll LOVE that video! Seriously, believe me. It's a MUST see!

More music, more reflections

2006-11-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

I am still deep in the midst of a Youtube addiction, and loving it! I now have 11 videos and am desperately wishing I had better equipment to record on!Samsarajades Youtube Subscribe to me! I need the attention! lol! My Myspace page is coming to life a little as well as I meet people on Youtube who also go on Myspace, and so check out their pages. It was through looking at a really cool guys Myspace page that I heard the song 'Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole' by Martha Wainwright. It is now my favourite song and I just have to get her album! Go to my Myspace page and listen to it, it's fantastic!SamsarajadeMyspace while you are there you might like to check out Johnnysmooth(the artist and really funny guy who's page had the song on) and another lovely guy I found on Youtube who is also on Myspace, a singer and songwriter called Lensei I especially like his song 'counting Clouds'. They are both on my friends list.
So I have been discovering all these talented people, and been reflecting on my past yet again as well. I was trying to get all my old photos together in a quest to sort this house out (I'm going to attempt laying a wooden floor next week!), and I found some photos taken of me when I was about 19 years old. At the time a friend of my mums was into amature photography, and I did some modelling for him. It was also when I was pregnant with Nicole, and the pictures catalogues my pregnancy-which is a great record! I also have some of me, my then husband Higgy and Nicole as a baby. I am nude on most of the photos, and it was a little depressing looking at my body then in comparison to my body now! I am definitely aging and unfit! I don't have a scanner or anything, so I can't really transfer the photos to computer, but I took photos of 2 of them to see how they would come out. Very grainy, the originals are black and white and my camera is very crap (the better camera Johnny gave me needs its batteries recharging I think-so I used my little webcam)
(I have removed these photographs. I have realised that in sharing intimate moments/pictures/ etc with as many people as I can reach closes the doors to be truly intimate with just one person. I'm missing out by trying to reach the world, when really I want to create a private exclusive world with one man.)

My new friend

2006-10-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

Have spent many hours video messaging with this lovely young man. This video just cracks me up! 'I like to touch my Friends!!!!'
hahahahaha!

evolution of video

(link has been fixed-he took the video down and moved it because of swearing or something)

He gets very very drunk on red wine and makes videos. They are a bit hit and miss, but This one HIT me big time! :-)

lalala

2006-10-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Oh well, back to the mundane-ness of my usual mood! I've got to get the house cleaned up for a house inspection by the landlord in a few weeks. Unfortunately as I have been putting every difficult job/boring job off for so long and just getting on with the essential keeping the kids and myself alive stuff-the house really is in a mess. The carpets are filthy, the walls are even dirty from kids wiping their hands along them when they go upstairs. Everywhere I look I see mess (plus everywhere looks tatty and needs decorating!) I impulsively went and bought stuff to re-decorate the front room, but it's taken me days to prepare the wall and hang the wall paper (and paint the wood) and I couldn't afford it anyway-and now the worst bit is the carpet, that is soaked in soot that came out the chimney when bird got stuck up there a while ago. Everywhere I look is filth! And it's all so overwhelming :(
I keep avoiding the immensity of it by going on the internet/doing anything other than just get on with the work, which is not good.
I'm pretty certain that I have depression, but I don't trust the doctors, and I'm pretty certain I am an alcoholic, but maybe I just drink too much to escape the depression (yes, I know that doesn't work)
Bit of a pathetic string of excuses and complaints I have going on here! I should just DO something about it, why the hell is that so hard? I'm so annoyed with myself!

Memories

2006-10-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

My morning was a bit strange and reflective today. I happened to have to go to the street in which I lived between the ages of about 1 and 15, it's been a long time since I was back there.
The first strange thing was remembering lots of anxiety dreams I've had since I started driving about turning into the road I used to live in. It's a one-way street, and the way you have to turn into it is on an awkward 'blind' corner. I've had many dreams about going back there and being lost, or about worrying about missing the turning and ending up somewhere else instead. All this came flooding back to me as I drove closer. I made the turn fine, and then felt my senses hit by a tsunami of memories. I stopped outside the clinic (I was there to drop a prescription off for my mum), and then I felt like I just couldn't leave. I had Faith in the car, so I decided to take her for a walk in the park at the end of the street (Princes park). That park was more drenched in flashbacks and memories than I expected. As I walked through it more and more things came rushing back to me. The fountain reminded me of the first time I ever sagged off school with my mate, it had been pouring down but we couldn't go anywhere dry because we were meant to be in school (I guess we should have just gone to school, lol!) I remembered the stuff we used to do to pass the time, such as re-enacting scenes from Dirty Dancing (come to think of it, we walked through that park to get to the video shop were me and my mates hired that video out every day until it got dropped in a puddle and mum had to buy the tape!I still have it!). My memories of the park went even further, my dad tought me to ride a bike there, my mum used to take us for picnics there when we were all very little and before my brother became a drug addict and I became a stroppy teenager. Then I remembered that I thought there used to be a little memorial stone for a donkey there somewhere, I didn't go looking for it, but I want to return one day and hunt out all those little things with my camera. The park is surrounded by places that were central to my childhood. Some of the old buildings of my secondary school were by one set of gates, and thats also right next door to the flat my dad lived in for the first few months after my parents divorced. Next to another gate is the house that some family friends lived in, where I got my nose broken, and spent many many hours (that place takes me further down memory lane to a crush on one of the boys, lasagne, getting cought shoplifting, dogs, parties in a huge garden, it just goes on and on), opposite that house was the flat were I first lived with a boyfriend (Colin)-even more memories too many to go into, but for me, everything was flooding my senses, I could feel/hear/smell my past in that park.
I had a dream one day, when I was a teenager (about 15?), I dreampt that I was a part of that park, I was a part of the trees, the grass, the GREENESS, and when I woke (this part is real, not a dream!), I went out, bought green clothes, bleached my hair and died that green, and then I went and sat underneath a tree in that park and felt connected. I think some people thought I was mad, but every now and then I get that feeling of being a part of the life force in nature, and it feels so good, so spiritual.
I don't think I'll dye my hair green again, but I will return in some ways. I want my children to have strong memories of childhood too, so often it is too easy for me to remember my childhood by the bad landmarks. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the amazingly good feelings too.

My Youtube Vlog

2006-10-05T16:20:00.001-07:00

I just uploaded the introduction to my new 'vlog' as I believe they are called, on Youtube. I've recently got so addicted to youtube that I thought I may as well join in! Go have a look if you want to see me singing, and talking (and you can even see my pussy if you look carefully! He jumps onto the TV behind me haha!)
My camera's not the best quality, and my lighting is pretty bad, but it's a start!

MyVlogIntro

or if that isn't working (dunno why but sometimes it says it's not available) try this?

video comments

Good Vibrations!

2006-09-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I really am on a high mood today, just got back from my first ever music festival (more about that later). And then today I have been for a walk with my 'childhood sweetheart' Damien. It was so nice to see him and hug him again-it's been a long time since I last saw him. He lives in Holland now, and we only fairly recently got back in touch through email via friends re-united. Anyway, he seems just the same, he even smells the same! Brought back some lovely happy feelings :-) It's so nice that we can still love and appreciate each others company and memories after so long. Some people never leave your heart.

OK, the festival! I went with Gus and Nicole to the Hayseed Dixie festival in Ullapool (Loopallu 2006). I don't really know how much detail I should go into, as for many of the things that are still making me smile you kind of had to be there to appreciate it! The drive up was very very long! Ullapool is about 50 odd miles further North/west than Inverness, so from Liverpool the drive was approximately 450 miles! We stopped off for lunch at Marie's, which was lovely apart from the fact that I missed a turn and tried reversing round the corner in a huge campervan, bumping a parked car. (oops) less said about that the better! That was the only mistake I made in the 1000 mile round trip though!
The rest of the journey was pretty dull, we drove into the campsite at around 1am Friday morning (after leaving Liverpool at about 11.30 am on Thursday! So we had a quick nightcap and basically went straight to bed!
The next day I went on the hunt for other members of the Hayseed Dixie chat forum, known as The Outhouse. I had the mobile number of one of them, so it was pretty easy to locate the group. In the pub of course! The weather was just wonderful, so we gathered in the beer garden, drank together and chatted-more and more people from the Outhouse, and members of the band drifting in and making the whole atmosphere really cosy. It kind of gets blurry after that-in terms of what happened and when-there was a short hayseed dixie set, some local music, and then I think I went back to the pub and drank some more! In fact, I think I drank all day and night. Gus took Nicole back to the van at about 11pm after watching the Stranglers (which I didn't leave the pub for!) and I just enjoyed the rare opportunity to behave like I was 18 again! It was probably about 4am that I went for a walk along the loch with one of the guys, and I remember listening to music in one of the hotel rooms, having a drink there after the pub was shut, and eventually I got back to the van at about 5.50 am. I expect that I made a complete ass of myself-I KNEW I was very very drunk when I felt the need to announce how drunk i was every second sentence! BUT, I didn't pass out (I don't think!) or puke up. And I don't regret a thing, it was just a brilliant drunken day and night!

(photo by Jonthehat)

Next day I still felt drunk and went to a poetry reading by one of the Outhousers. Gus started on the guiness, but I knew I had to take it a bit easier as I'd be driving back to Liverpool the next day, so I had a lie down and didn't start drinking til about 4pm (I think) I didn't realise I had the shakes till I tried picking my pint up! There were more silly conversations, more introductions, more outhousers, more drinking, a very enjoyable sing song, and then I got off my arse and went to see Alabamma3 who were on in the tent before Hayseed Dixies headlining set. We stood at the back on a little stage bit this time, the whole tent was packed but were in the perfect position to see everything without getting crushed-great for Nicole who thouroughly enjoyed herself! I thought Alabamma3 were fantastic-the female singer has a really unusual and great sounding voice, and of course HD were as good as ever.
After that, Gus and Nic went back to the van and I went AWOL again-to the Outhouser tent party! They'd shut the pub doors to the public, so we all gathered outside some tents. There was twister, banjos, beer (although I didn't drink anything after the gig-thinking of the drive the next day!)more singalongs, including an impromtu performance by HDs lead singer John Wheeler. I was by this point pretty much brain dead-but unwilling to let my Loopallu experience come to an end-so I stayed up and watched everyone elses antics, conducting only a few quiet conversations when my brain could piece a sentence together!
We managed the drive the next day. Without any long stops me and Nic got back home at about 10pm. School the next day!
I'd love to go again next year!

And while I was writing that, I got a text from my ex-bruv in law, another friend from the past I love to hear from! Lots of things are going good and feeling nice!

I must enjoy this positive run as much as I can! Single life is feeling pretty ok at the moment! :-)

22 hours in Camden

2006-09-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

I went on a mini adventure this week, took the train to London for a day and stayed with Johnnie (the one who's blog has a link here!). Since I havn't done a post for a while, it's about time I had something to talk about!
The train journey only took 2 1/2 hours. In no time at all Liverpool had slipped away and I was tilting my way to London eavesdropping on the conversations of the passengers around me and reading a book. I got to Euston and decided I wanted to try and find J's flat myself instead of giving up and phoning him, so without a map, I set off and actually found it! Luckily I didn't take a wrong turn and get lost on one of the most feared estates that happens to be around the corner from Euston Station!
When I got to J's he was looking out over the balcony and called out my name-saved me having to find the front door to the flats! J made me some peppermint tea (never had it before-never gone for 'weird' teas, but I actually liked it!) and then we went out for a look around Camden market. Johnnie takes his camera everywhere and takes shots of whatever interests him, he took a couple of me for my blog. I look fecking awful! But you can't blame the photographer for that! haha!

Camden market was great, there were several stalls cooking chinese food that looked and smelt delicious and some cool shops too.

We went back to the flat for a bit and J gave me a few lessons on computers and the internet-after about the 3rd thing he mentioned my brain lost the ability to take anything else in! We then had some beer and watched a film called Slackers and got chatting a few times during it so I missed the main point at the end! Then we took a couple of cans with us and set off out so J could show me a bit more of London. We walked by the canal, got lots of anecdotes from Johnnie about where he'd slept on the streets when he was homeless in the area. Camden is actually a lovely place-old cobbled streets, canal, and although it has its poor estates, just up the road are millionaire houses.
J gave me a digital camera, and I had a first go of it under a bridge at the canal, I liked the purple lights!

We got to a park and walked up this big hill (called Primrose Hill I think) at the top of the hill were a couple of benches, and when you turn round you can see like the whole of London laid out before you. It was just starting to get dark so we sat and drank beer, listening to the people around and watching the lights with J pointing out what all the buildings were to me. It was really nice. Eventually we went back to the flat, watched some podcasts-I'm told I'll never watch TV again once I get into podcasts, they will save me from the destructive effects of Daytime TV! yay!- and another film (called 'Cube'-pretty cool for a horror film!).
Next day had another cup of peppermint tea (must remember to get some in!)and then J took me to the British museum for a flying visit before I got my train home. Saw a copy of the rossetta stone-but not much else, it really was a flying visit!

I was still trying to get to grips with the complexities of digital cameras! Unfortunately the quality of the photos I took wasn't too good- too dark- but I'll master it soon!

I did enjoy my little escape,
I know I've said it before, but Johnnie IS ace! ;)

Blog Day 2006!

2006-08-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been preparing for this for a few weeks now, it's been very interesting as I'm not an avid blog reader, but this has made me have a proper look round at some of the many bloggers out there! I have finally decided on 5 blogs that I think are well worth a look at!

Firstly there's Johnnies blog, Fear of an Average Mind. It was here that I found out about Blog Day, and here I find out about lots of other stuff! It's a mix bag of great writing, computer and web advice and lots of little clips/pics/experiments and thoughts. You never quite know what you'll get! Johnnie does a 'niceblog' too, but this is the one I normally read.

fear of an average mind

Next I'd like to take you back in time, space and reality to enter the House of Electrofried and peruse the Electrofried chronicles, a newly created Blog by Mr Electrofried. This mans style is impecable! I don't think you'll find many blogs like this one!
The Electrofried chronicles

Shashinka's a seasoned blogger it seems! I found her blog doing random searches for 'circus'. She doesn't live in a circus(unless you count London as one!), but she does have plenty of little snippets of life and art. Oh and she's Jewish, and does a lot of writing too :).

Sashinka

The Mystic Traveller is a really interesting and beautiful Blog, lots of stunning photography and written accounts of travels around the world! :)

The Mystic Traveller

And last but not least, a blog I've only just stumbled accross myself (searching for 'cheesecake' one of my favourite things in the whole wide world!) This blog has lots of reviews, comments, web-based suggestions, photos, information and my usual favourite-random thoughts! Suzannes an art student from Australia.

Better than cheesecake

Technorati Tag: BlogDay2006

Mooooooosic

2006-08-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

has a strange effect on me, like alcohol, or any drug, it takes me into a world I have only limited control of. My moods go wherever it's notes decide to take me, they spring a fair few booby traps. Memories, conversations, melodies in my head.
Is it dangerous to listen to music?

Little EarthQuakes

2006-07-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

Definitely one of my all time fave albums, and really needed to listen to it tonight. Will be listening to it repeatedly as I blow dry my daughters papeir mache dog and get it dry enough to paint and complete before she gets up and present's it to her 'summer school' teachers on her last day tomorow!

Rage

2006-07-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. . .

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

I think it may actually be a positive spirit inside of me that's had enough, and knows I need to get seriously seriously fucking mad in order to make a change, and FUCKING FUCK change is what I need!!!

I am lazy, getting fatter, losing all fitness, all energy, all life.
I am alone in responsibilities, and sick of false relationships in which I remain alone but trapped (I not talking boyfriends, just a few relationships I have with people) If I am alone, I may as well be alone and FREE. Even with the kids, why the fuck should I be tied down to other people manipulating my guilt?

It needs a big change to break free from some ties that are crushing me.

Maybe that's why I need this part of myself to just KICK OFF and break free.

Aussie Pink Floyd

2006-07-23T02:44:00.000-07:00

Actually went OUTSIDE last night! Went to see The Australian Pink Floyd at the Summer Pops Big Top, it was a really great gig! I'll never get to see the real Pink Floyd, so this was the closest I'm likely to get! I've only actually heard about 5 PinkFloyd albums, and this gig was a 'best of', so there were some songs I'd never heard before, but still enjoyed the whole thing. My favourite had to be the piece off Darkside of the Moon (one of the albums I know quite well), apparently called The Great Gig in the Sky (I never really took note of individual tracks names , with PF the whole album tends to blend into one!). The woman singing the vocals for that track was absolutely spot on, amazing! No actual words, just using the voice as a kind of instrument, I'd say she did it better than it was on the actual album!

One great thing about live gigs, is its LOUDER than any music I can play at home, SO loud that the drum beats vibrate your whole body, man what a great feeling!

I was thinking towards the end that one of the things I love about PinkFloyd is that it has a continuous sound running all the way through, and the songs appear to be built up and picked out from that sound. Made me think of how eastern religions refer to 'The sound of the Universe', PF take that, and warp and pull bits out of it to make music. . . Cool!

Shame they didn't play a complete album, but you can't have everything!
The time seemed to fly by, I enjoyed it so much! :)

photo

2006-07-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

Finally managed to get ok light conditions to get a half decent profile type pic for myself with my little camera.
What you reckon? Would I get any interest as a mail order bride? I need a £30 000 down payment with an upkeep of £30 000 per year, and I come with 3 kids, a cat and a hamster! Naturally I require suitable housing, with at least 5 bedrooms and a nice garden (+gardener of my picking). It will be a loveless, sexless marriage (although I may grow fond of you- and I'm not saying I will not have sex, just not inside the marriage!), hehehe!

Visitors

2006-07-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

This past week I have indulged in a lot more social interaction than I usually do, had my sister and her family staying for a few days, and then when she left my best friend came to visit with her baby, and we had a bit of a get together with some other friends. Nice but strange, I'm getting so used to spending all my time alone with the kids!
Spike was really ill for a while, he'd lost weight and was put on a special prescription diet and antibiotics, a day after starting the antibiotics he really perked up and is now a proper mad kitten again :) I take him back to the vets tomorow, but I can SEE he's made a full recovery!
My eldest daughter was 11 on Monday. She now has her first mobile phone (I've resisted her pleas for so long!). I felt so incredibly old signing a text message 'Mum x'
Tomorow is Bastille day. For some reason my kids school are making a huge deal of it, they're dressing up as famous french people (Nicole is going as Marie Antoinette and Callum is going as the man in the Iron Mask) Spent time today customising a summer skirt into a sticky outy skirt using bubble wrap and selotape-wish I'd known that you can now buy big dresses in woolworths like the one's worn in Pirates of the Carrabean! Still, ours is home-made, so will be unique, and the piece de resistance is the cotton wool wig I plan to sculpt onto her head in the morning! haha!
So, nothing exciting, deep or meaningful today, just a quick run-down of my terribly exciting life over the past week!

Evil Tia

2006-06-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well aside of my usual drinking cursing and philosophising (I been having a good week really, if I believe the Trisha type programmes I'd say I am probably a manic depressive!!!!) I have got caught up in my sisters website and had to deal with a multiple account control freak on their roleplay forum! I find it hard to get the right mode of detachment/friendliness that is needed in moderators, and faced with this person who has used 5 accounts to manipulate roleplay and tried to push certain people out (me most venemously just cos I rumbled her game!). Well, I never gave up. But My sis owns the site, and she isn't answering my pms that are basically saying 'U HAVE TO STEP IN! THIS PERSON IS GOING TO MANIPULATE EVERYTHING- SHES CLEVER- AND SHE'S USING MY PAST COLLISIONS WITH HER BEFORE I WAS GIVEN ACCESS TO THE BLATENT PROOF!' I aint stoopid, I rumblee her before I had that access, now I have even more proof!
Never mind, a person with that much imagination has got to be a good roleplayer, right!? LOL!

ok, I admit it, I'm drunk, and this is petty beyond belief!!! :) :) :)

!!!

All those out there thinking they are shit, ure no more shit than the rest of humankind, take strength from that. Just cos ure aware of it, doesn't make u worse!!!

Opening paragraph to my latest story

2006-06-22T04:54:00.000-07:00

It was as good a place to hide as any. If you really don’t want to be found you don’t conceal yourself in solitary confinement. It’s no use enclosing yourself in a dark corner, where any slight sound or movement can give you away and transform your place of safety into a trap. What good is that? It would be easier to track you down, following a single set of tracks, your heat source shining like a beacon, until you find that you are cornered. Alone. Trapped. What at first seems like a haven can easily become your prison. No, if you want to hide, increase your chances of escaping notice then you must hide among people. Find yourself a herd, the larger the better to hide amongst. Bury yourself deep in the throng where the lions can’t reach you. Add your body heat to a mass of body heat. Hide your identity in the crowd. So on that wet day, when I was persued by the heat of fear, it was a natural instinct to turn into the multimart. Where safer than among the throng of shoppers. A consuming crowd with their attention fixed on individual needs, wants, desires. Their eyes on price tags, adverts, packaging. Their minds on imagining where they could place that bookshelf in their room, on what they would have for dinner, on trying to recall what it was that they needed, cursing themselves for not making a list when they thought they would remember. Nobody there was going to give me a second look. And that suited me perfectly.

Leonard Cohen

2006-06-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

Gus just bought me the most recent Leonard Cohen album my review here http://ubb.mojo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=355422&page=0&new=collapsed&sb=&fpart=1

Three Perspectives

2006-06-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

Playing around with my camera, next thing I need is a scanner, as photographing a picture is far from satisfactory! LOL!
This is a bad photo of one of my pieces, with some slight editing after I took the photo, still very blurred compared to the original though!

Spike!

2006-06-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I picked up a cheap mini camera from tescos, and tried taking a pic. There's no flash, and the cameras tiny, so quality isn't great. Managed to get a close up!(standing right under the light!

Just going to try and post it now!!!

Ooooh look! It worked!

No stopping me now!
Mwahahahaha!!!
(his eye looks a bit weepy doesn't it? Oh well, I'm taking him for his first vet visit on Friday anway! :) )

new addition

2006-06-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

I went to the park with my youngest daughter, Faith, today, and we stopped off at the Green Lane Fisheries to have a look at the animals and stuff on the way back.

There was one little kitten on its own, and it seemed desperate for attention, anyway, its not very sensible of me, but i fell in love with it and he now lives with us.

nice surprise for the other two kids when they get home from school!!! :)

My Secret Life

2006-06-02T21:25:00.001-07:00

My Secret Life- Leonard Cohen.

I saw you this morning
You were moving so fast
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past.

And I miss you so much.
There's no one in sight.
And we're still making love
In my secret life.

I smile when I'm angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I'd die for the truth
In my secret life.

Hold on, hold on my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the night,
Moving 'cross the borders
Of my secret life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it's either black or white
Thank God it's not that simple
In my secret life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I'm told;
From the latest hit,
to the wisdom of old
But I'm always alone
And my heart is like ice.
And it's crowded and cold
In my secret life.

Been a long time

2006-06-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

been a long time
been a long
lonely lonely lonely lonely time!!!

So, what have I been up to? The usual,
drinking most days, trying to look after my kids, watching so much shit on TV cos I feel trapped in the house one way or another.

But, my best mate is visiting this week with her 3 month old son, good to see my mate, strange to see her in role as a mum! Her little boy seems just like my little boy was as a baby, not in looks, but in that he loves breastfeeding SO much he never gives her a break! Oh, and he's gorgeous! lol!

Oh and confession, since I am not happy with my life, and see no easy way out of it that I could take with a clear conscience, I have been watching way too much Big Brother. It's sad, but addictive!

Weekend

2006-04-24T03:34:00.000-07:00

Well, the two oldest kids are back at school today, I'm back to moping round the house thinking I should clean, do the ironing, wash up etc, but instead just picking up the occasional apple core thats been thrown ito the corner by one of the kids, watching Trisha and surfing the net. The baby is doing the usual hunting around for stuff to pull out onto the floor.
I went to see Hayseed Dixie on Friday, which was good. I was driving, so couldn't get tanked up on beer like a member of a rock hillbilly group audience should. It was still great though, they are my favourite band :)

God, I am bored shitless and too damn lazy/depressed to do anything about it. So much to do, so little willpower/drive/energy.

Pathetic.

Fukin Furious!

2006-04-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, Neil, my ex, wouldn't walk home with Callum, our son, cos his pants hadn't been ironed!!!!

For fucks sake!!! If he loves him/us, he'd be proud escorting us if we were dressed in binbags! Tosser!

These part time dads havn't got a clue. I have 3 kids to look after on my own, the dads have the freedom to do whatever the fuck they want, and two of them STILL whinge at me, criticise me, while they swan about, contributing nothing at all to their kids upbringing, the third dad has a girlfriend now, so although he's the only one to bother trying to give some money, his time seems used up for things he'd rather do it seems.

I know, at the end of the day, that whatever I want to do, My time is at my kids disposal. They rule my life. I am their safety net. God knows everyone else puts their own life, be it work, girlfriends, poker, sleep, first. I have no choice, the buck stops with me.

And I'm angry. Have been for a long time. Cos I have things I want to do, I want to work, I want to write, I want to draw, and I get this shit off these fuking losers who can't face up to the responsibility of their kids, and leave me to catch it all-while they whinge about how hard done by they are and moan while they lie around doing shite all, knowing that I will ALWAYS be there to pick up the fucking pieces.
How could I not be.
Its my duty. Shame they all don't give a fuck about their duty. The cleaning will always get done by the person who can't stand the mess most.
Thats me.
Wont walk home with his son cos he has a couple of creases in his pants!
WANKER!!!!

I'm keeping your poop

2006-04-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

Mind u, that song may be a fave, but THIS one, sung by the Hillbilly rock cover band (banjos and violins etc!) ROCKGRASS, is a great find!!! U GOT to listen to this one!!!! (and this one is not a cover, it's a Hayseed Dixie original!)

(lyrics only, as don't know how to post the song itself- but its easy to find!!! I downloaded it off limewire)

Keeping your poop (Hayseed Dixie)

I'm Keeping your poop in a jar
'til the day you come back
So I don't forget just what you are,
I'm keeping your poop in a jar

You thought u took everything
But you left something behind for me
I scooped it out,
I bottled it up
And now its there to stand by the bed to remind me
In case I ever forget
You're just a piece of
Poop

Let me testify,
I had a moment of weakness once,
So I opened the jar for a smell
It all came back to me then
In one vapourous rush
I remembered you well!
You're just a piece of
Poop!

I'm keeping your poop in a jar
Til the day you come back to me
So I don't forget just what you are,
I'm keeping your poop in a jar
Oh yeh
I'm keeping your poop, in a jar!

It sure beats 'I will survive' LOL!!

I'm going to see Hayseed Dixie live on Friday, will be my second time seeing them live. I'm not one to be a 'fan' of anything really, but these guys kick ass big time! I'd be happy to call myself a Hayseed Dixie FAN! (all that beer they drink and they are still the fastest fingers in the known world on those banjos etc! Fantastic!)

Tori Amos' version

2006-04-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

Actually, The Tori Amos version is pretty cool,
maybe not as nice,
But still effects me big time. I like the way she sings it as well, but then, I've always liked Tori when she's not singing shite!

I dunno though, a case of any wine, sweet, holy or otherwise, would probably floor me.

And instead of 'devils and deeds' I always heard 'devils and demons'

We all hear what we want to in music, and lyrics sometimes.

A case of You

2006-04-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

One of my most favourite songs. I like a bit of country. I have it on my computer now, but don't know how to put it up as a link (properties is empty)

Its a fantastic country song though, here's the lyrics. Look it up to listen if u can.

A case of you (Joni Mitchell)

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Where’s that at?
If you want me
I’ll be in the bar
On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light
I drew a map of canada
Oh canada
And your face sketched on it twice
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I’d still be on my feet
Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
And still be on my feet
I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed
Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
I’d still be on my feet

I wasn't overly surprised when I downloaded it to see that Tori Amos has done a cover, although I don't think anyone could do it as well as Joni, she's great!

yukkycolour

2006-04-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

Dr Johnie, is there a way I can get rid of that horrid puce green colour my titles show up in??? :)

Today

2006-04-14T04:44:00.000-07:00

Creative title eh ;)

Well, today I am staying in, trying to not spend any more money, cos I spent more than I could afford yesterday.
Yesterday I went to my mums house (for the first time in a long time) to see if what I could do to get back on track clearing the place up. It's been nearly a year since mum agreed to the plan of me and the kids moving in there as a desperately needed glimmer of hope for my debt and housing situation. I spent many hours back then with the baby in her carseat mucking out the place. It was hard work, and not pleasent, cleaning up literally the shit of cats and the mess of others, but it gave me hope so I did it. The task is momentous.
Other things then got in the way to prevent the plan of me moving there from happening. Far from progressing with the clear-out, even what I had already done was getting messed up again.
The last few months have been very very dismal for me, my last shred of hope, of a plan, a way forward, that I could see taken away.
Even now, the job seems impossible, alone. I have 3 kids to look after, the baby now far to mobile to take into the house with me. I'm never without at least one of my kids these days, and that house is in such a state it is very dangerous for children to be there. Life isn't getting any better, the debt isn't getting any less. I can't afford to work. I need the pressure taken off by moving to mums, each day I'm not has made things worse.
Yesterday I managed to get some of the work that had been un-done done again. It's very frustrating though, sitting here wishing I could do something about the state my life's in but feeling totally helpless. No idea when I can next get a chance to make another small step forwards.
I've been in deep water for a while. Treading water, waiting and hoping for the life-boat to show up, while part of me knows I need to take action and swim for shore myself. Problem is, I can't see the coastline, and if I try and swim my energy will be spent and I could well be going in the wrong direction anyway.

Hmm, don't always know where my blog posts are going to go, maybe I should write the title AFTER writing the post!

Johnnie is cool :)

2006-04-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

YAY :)
Success! I've checked it out and both links work. And I feel dead clever for doing it heehee! That means Johnie's instructions must have been absolutely spot on, and its cool cos I could see why it worked too :)
Learnt more through this than doing the first two modules of the National learning colleges computer course! :P
A reason to feel good today, I've achieved something :) (thanks J!)

I'll build me a hidey-hole where I'll never Find Me

2006-04-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

I've not told anyone I know in 'real life' about this place yet. So likely only Jonny and perhaps by proxy hurty knows about it. I havn't told anyone else cos this is still a place for me to be me, without any second thoughts for anyone who may read it.
Tonight I said some things that needed to be said out loud (in a bubble of inevitability with my 'partner'). In real life, I often evade those situations, which likely makes it all the more puzzling and infuriating to those I know when I DO speak out. I like peace, and quiet, and hate to feel my weaknesses.
Its good, in a way that this place IS mine, and those who read it are so far from me, they can be closer than I'd let my day to day friends (for fear of losing their respect, when I've lost so much respect for myself-having known me relentlessly all these years!)
But it's also disturbing, that I STILL feel that I can't show someone I 'love' the whole of me.
I'm a fuking mess.
But I still think I'm worth loving.
I just wouldn't trust me, unless you are the 'one', and it all fits. I'm bad fuking news. I need time alone to work out what the fuck I/ME/TIA/NATHALIA is really capable of as a person. Hopefully in a positive way.
Should stop drinking though.
Lately I'd choose drinking over people. Not a good sign I expect.
Another part crumbles, but I know I have some pollyfiller stashed away somewhere!!!!!

Falling Apart

2006-04-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

My teeth have always been pretty strong. They survived the usual months of not brushing them as a child, I've never needed a filling. I had braces fitted when I was a teenager (not pleasent, but also not permanant!), and my teeth STILL survived the neglect to go back to the dental hospital to have some wires removed for a couple of years past when they SHOULD have been taken off. My dentist usually says 'you arn't going to need any work for a long time yet'. I've had 3 pregnancies, still not lost an adult tooth, or needed any repairs. . .
I chipped my front tooth once, I was drinking beer out of a bottle, and a friend nudged me, the bottle chipped my front tooth, put me in shock! Stupid but it did! I'm very ATTACHED to my teeth!
The past year, the other front tooth got chipped, not a straight forward accident like the other one, it just crumbled. Didn't hurt, hardly noticeable, I expect only I realised, I've dreamt it many times. All my teeth crumbling away, falling out, I wake and they are all still there, but slowely, almost unperceptavely, they really ARE starting to crumble.
The roughness gives it away. The newly exposed enamal isn't as smooth as the rest of the tooth. I feel no pain, but I know something has fallen away.
Yesterday I felt an uneven part on my tooth, bottom left, inside, 5th from the back, a pointy-ish tooth. I thought maybe some plaque had managed to build up, these days I brush at least once a day, usually. . . unless I forget the time, the day - that happens more and more lately too.
I scraped the uneven surface with my nail, and something fell away. Like a chipped mug. It was definitely tooth. It still doesn't hurt.
As the days go by, the numbness is maybe the most worrying. To know what is happening, but to not FEEL it, just the roughness left where something else has fallen away.
And I'm obsessed now with running my tongue along that rough surface, until that becomes smooth, and no doubt something else will crumble.

Breadcrumbs

2006-03-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

Breadcrumbs

Restless
In Love, uncertainty
what to do but let the feelings rush and ramble seize the soul in love and pain and feel the moments writhe and struggle getting through the day

Tension
Ever present, tight
I must cope with strength and courage arrogance and confidence in all I thought I knew Needs Faith Stubborn Faith to carry me on through

THE NIGHT
moments crawl company or space Alcohol or cool clear mind Both twisted in my hate I cannot break

Free

But I can always Make-Believe

Impotence

2006-03-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

found it, had put it with a load of my art/drawing stuff. I should be more organised, quite scary how not knowing how to put my hands on my words got me so flustered!

Coping With Impotence

I flung the words
At the wall of ice,
Hoping they would penetrate
And reach the shadows
That creep about beyond.
But the letters fell,
Like blunt darts to the floor
They scattered,
All pulled and picked to death.
I gave up trying to pierce,
I made a carving in the solid cold instead.

2006-03-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

Damn! I've lost my poems! I have a book with many final drafts of poems I've written over the years, and I can't find them. Makes me feel a tad insecure!
I took them all for granted, they live in my memory, but I want the solid security of their written form. If I re-invent them, will I have to re-invent myself?
Where have I left it? Does someone else have it? Why would they want it?

I need a proper tidy up.

2006-03-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, another space to make random rambling.
So be it.
Just not in the mood right now, only joined up so I could stick my nose in on someone elses blog.